Here it comes. After a whole year of waiting it’s arrived again to feed and procreate and spin me along in my yearly cycle. It’s never been this hungry, it’s improving with age, it’s making demands I can’t presently meet. It is mania, it is another Chandler, it is an old friend i haven’t seen in so long. I’m done giving him names. He’s had a carraigefull of titles. He is the grand inquisitor of all my best-laid plans. Intends to tear them up with both claws and sculpt new dreams for me out of them to nurse myself on. Haven’t dreamt in two days. All that imagination had to go somewhere. I’m finding it in little places, like the spaces between my teeth; or the hook over her fine eyes.
Something wants to scream. A big something. My demon; my own personal tyrant latched with a steel chain clasped firmly around my right wrist. Struggling to break free and tear the world apart. I’ve watched him burn things right before my eyes, while i cheer from the background with a bottle of malt liquor in my hand and swarthy grin on my face.
At least i’m invincible.
No amount of hardwood floors could break my back as i sleep on them. My spinal column is reinforced with shards of rust and gunmetal. I feel them sinking right into my bloodstream and proliferating wildly. It’s too dangerous to go outside today, i’m better left inside with my demon while we plot and plan the new slices out of a new day. So hungry for everything insane, unnatural, and untouched.
I’m trying not to talk about her, because i don’t know anything about her presently except the history in the aura that hangs so thickly and boldly over her head. I will talk about her anyway. I won’t flatter myself be saying she’s someone like me. She’s alot more than I am, and all i can glimpse is the surface of her. Want to dive into that ocean and live life underwater.
Here they come! All of the former Myselves are making their long pilgrimmage back from the past. Coming out of my head in single file. 16, 17, half of 18, most of 19—all coming to visit old 20. Let’s have ourselves a party gentlemen. We have much to discuss. Music of all my past ages is becoming very potent to my system. If this keeps up we shall never sleep again. Oh Jesus.
I can’t carry on like this forever. I’m young and crazy now but one day i’ll be a crazy adult, incapable of the responsibilities honed by more stable individuals. I’m afraid to raise kids like this. I’m not sure whose womb will carry that misfortune and that blessing, but i hope she is strong, and i’m sure she will be. To have more of this dynasty would be fitting, but only if i can leave my children something behind that will help, and not hurt, them in their lives. Like a fortune. Or several novels. Nevermind about the novels part, i’m getting a nome de plume the moment my artistic license gets renewed.
That’s enough, that’s enough for now.
